Ms.HummingDeer

Hormones Suck, and So Does My Body

I hate how lately I’ve been seeing all these pregnant women and teen girls. Every other facebook post is about people having babies, or finding out they’re pregnant. I try not to let it get under my skin, but I think it’s finally made it’s ways under it and it’s slowly starting to eat away at me. So, in order to shake that feeling, I’m writing of course.

I wish I could have children. I mean, I can, but it’s a matter of it my body will accept it or kill it.I have a good 50/50% chance of ever having them. 1% Chance that my body won’t kill it. My ovaries are fucked up and doctors don’t know what’s wrong with them. I have a tilted uterus and a terrible immune system. My boyfriend on the other hand can’t produce cause he had testicular cancer. I know we can always adopt, but it would be nice to just have them by him and have it be OUR baby. You know? It’s just… I want to carry it. To know that what I created… something so beautiful, was made by us. Not someone else’s sperm, his sperm and my egg…*sigh*…funny that I would fall in love with someone who’s pretty much almost identical to me. I’m not complaining though. It’s so different being with him. Like, I thought my last relationship was a good one, no, it wasn’t. I didn’t have the same chemistry AT ALL. I feel like with this one, we’re best friends and we can talk about anything and everything. He respects me, he loves me, he cares and I feel all the same way with him. Maybe that’s why I feel like such a let down sometimes because the one thing that I want, and I think he wants, I can’t give him? I know it shouldn’t bother me, but…you know..

I’m pretty sure after my miscarriage I had 2 years ago, that I’ve gotten over it and accepted my fate. That I will end up being a crazy cosplaying, comic book loving, video game whore, crazy cat lady o_o. Hahahah, just trying to make myself laugh a little..*sigh* fail. It sucks, it really does…I’ve never wanted something so bad…I suppose it’s cause I know I can’t have it. Sucks when things work out that way…But, I’m keeping my chin up and staying positive. I know that if he and I get serious and really do end up settling down and getting hitched that he and I talked about adopting or doing the whole artificial insemination. He told me once that they could go in and take some of his sperm and kill the cancer cells, but it would cost a bunch. Time will tell. I have a feeling he wants to be a dad as much as I want to be a mom. He doesn’t say it, but when I see his face when we watch a movie, or a show that has children doing cute things and what not, he gets this look…it hurts me inside, cause I can’t give him that…but, like I said, time will tell..

I just know that I will be a great mother. After my baby is born I’m going to love him or her unconditionally. I know that once they’re born I will whisper in their ear,:

” Welcome to the world love, I’m so happy you’re here. I never thought I would ever hold you in my arms, or have you but I’m glad I never lost hope or gave up.This world’s hard love. At points in your life you’re going to go through hell. You’re going to cry, breakdown and wonder why the world’s done this to you. You might even questions if it’s all worth living through. I know I went through all that myself and that’s why I’m telling you this. But, no matter what you’re going through or how bad you messed up or how crappy you feel,talk to me. Because I will always listen and at the end I’m going to smile.No matter what you do, or how badly you might’ve screwed up, I’m going to love you regardless and I’m going to smile. You’re going to hate it, but I’m going to do it anyway. I’ll tell you that I went through shit too, and it was awful, but you know what? I survived. I got past it all and no matter how much crap I went through or how much I screwed up, I’ll always have 2 things that have and will always be perfect; you’re dad, obviously. He got me past it all and showed me that love does exist and that it will find you when you’re expecting it least. And the second thing? You, obviously. I’ve screwed up a lot in my life and I’m sure I’ll keep doing it until the day I die, but you’re the one thing that I can’t screw up. You’re so beautiful love and I will tell you that every single day. It’s going to be a tough life love, everybody’s got one. But I’ll always be there to show you the beauty of the world that always seems to hide right in front of your nose. I love you baby and I can’t wait to show you the beautiful world you’re in. You’re Dad and I are so proud of you and we’re always going to be here for you. My Angel…”

I know for a fact I never want my child to go through what I went through growing up. I will more than likely be a very over protective mother, maybe not a crazy over protective mother, but defiantly a protective one indeed. I was raped growing up, and it didn’t stop till I was 12. I thought I would never be loved or know what real love it, and that I would always be alone. My mother was never there for me, nor did she believe me till last year when I put it all together for her. Funny how it took a divorce for her to finally listen to me. For me to explain my scars to her, my paintings, poetry and writing. Explain to her why I would hurt myself, starve myself and why I hated and still do hate myself. It hurt so much to be so alone. To not know what it was like to have that nurturing love from a mother. To never be good enough for her because you felt so different. I never want my child to feel that way. I want them to feel loved and never feel like they’re second best because they will always be my number one. Even if I were to have 2, I love them both equally.

I do however feel that I should thank the person who raped me almost my whole life. For making me who I am today, not a fucked up individual, a strong one. I was able to make it through life a stronger person because of all the shit they put me through. Yes I fucked up my body a lot, tried to kill myself over a dozen times but I made it. I’m strong, I’m alive and even though I have trust issues, so what? Who doesn’t? I learned who my real friend were/are and I made some news one. I went through a lot in life, and did some stupid shit. I mean, some really stupid shit. I learned from it all, and learning is part of growing up. Everyone grows up differently and not everyone is fed from the same spoon. Things happen for a reason even if they’re not the right things.

I learned to love, and be loved. I went through over a dozen relationships, and learned that being promiscuous isn’t a good thing. I learned to settle down and that I don’t have to find love in all the wrong places, and just let it come to me. After all I went through, I just wanted to feel even for just a few seconds a bit of love. That I was loved, that I was wanted, and not be tossed away to the side. So I ended up doing the tossing and just walking away.

So, Thank You “Monster In My Closet” for helping me grow up and making me who I am today. I know that I’ll be a great mother because of all that I went through, and all that I’ve learned. Whether it was from you and my mother, or just the life lessons I learned growing up. Thank you.

Sincerly,

Me