“What nourishes me, destroys me.”
These are words I would love to get tattooed on me one day hopefully soon. As a reminder of a rough time in my life. Not only would it be towards my eating disorder but also just life in general.
What I would love to, and can’t wait to get on me are the lyrics to a Garbage song entitled, “The Trick Is To Keep Breathing” That songs means so much to me. I would really love to get it on my chest. I think that after my boyfriend and I get our Kingdom Hearts starfruit tattoo, I will more than definitely get this tattoo done before my Cherry Blossom branch. Though, I’ve been wanting my Cherry blossoms forever now. 5 years maybe? Yeah actually! Damn. Well, it’s a big piece. I think it can wait.
As I’m writing all this my ovaries are slowly killing me. The pain is often so unbearable that I just can’t move. I can, but it hurts to somtimes. Often times it’s too the point where I can’t physically feel my legs. Luckily this isn’t one of those times. It just feels like thousands of little fingers poking at my ovaries with sticks. I wish I knew what was wrong. I wish I had insurance again…I hate this. I hate my body so much. I wish I didn’t sometimes but I really feel like I can’t help but hate it.
I catch myself sometimes doing the things I know I shouldn’t do. I seperate my food. I count calories. I stare at my self in the mirror and pinch my problem areas and suck my stomach in, and as I do wondering how much I weight, how much should I lose? Will I ever be beautiful like I once was? Will I ever be truely happy with who I am? Then I cry in the shower sometimes. I don’t always, but there are times where I just can’t help it. I haven’t lately because I’ve been so happy but..yeah… It hurts sometimes to not be able to know just exactly how much I weight. It hurts to see other people with perfect bodies thinking to myself, ” I could have that if I could just…” then I start to think of how many laxatives I would have to take. How many calories to cut out. What pills would get me there quickly and just how many miles to run, sit ups to do, ect…..I disgust myself so much when I think like that.
I’m so fucked up. In fact, just thinking about all this makes me feel like I’m a selfish, self-centered fuck.I feel bad for what I feel, for what I do, for what I don’t do, for what I think, for all the fucking ‘I can’t help it`’s, for my weakness, for the ‘not being able to’s and for who I am. I’m constantly apologizing for being me, for doing the things I do, for nothing sometimes. I just…GAAH!! I wish I wasn’t like this, I wish I would quit apologizing for being me, for the nothings, for my feelings, for just everything. I know this roots from my child hood but I really need to stop this.
I hate when people touch me sometimes. It probably has to do with the way things were growing up and ontop of that my eating disorder. I just…I feel so fat. I feel like a blob. I don’t think people understand what it’s like to look in the mirror and see someone different staring back at you. I don’t always see what they see. I see an obese person that should be running on a tread mill for a good 3 hours, not an “average” sized 5’5 21 year old….ugh…I just wish I had more love for myself. I’m trying though, I’m learning to love me for me and not hate myself so much..
In good time….People always say, ” Once an Addict, always an addict” and the same goes for people going through ed recovery. I know this will always be a part of me, and sometimes I wish it wasn’t. But, it’s who I am, and who I will always be. It doesn’t define me though, it’s just a part of me. I was able to quit cutting. I was able to quit smoking. I cheated death. I’m a strong person, but even the strongest of people feel weak sometimes…I just hate it when I do…